Gwent Centre of The Caravan Club
JUST FOR FUN

 

 

 

APRIL 2014

 

Not sure who sent these in but Thanks Anyway

You think English is easy?? ---I think a retired English teacher was bored...

THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end................. This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

then 3 from From Bob Johns

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you?

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?"

The duck asks again. with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ........

> . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > .

> . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > .

"What the HELL would they want with a plasterer ??!"

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First drink

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

I Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him a Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky

I could hardly push the bloody pram.

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CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR!!!!!!!!

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the a hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience..

Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

" Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"

God replied:

I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

another 2 from BOB

Tommy Cooper "isms"

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........ you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctorFemale Logic ??......... A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said to an attentive class. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.... He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.... His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank"... The teacher paused to make sure the class is taking everything in....and then asks a question. "Why do you think his wife ran to the bank?"............... A girl quickly raised her hand, looked around....and said confidently..... "To draw out all his savings"................ 's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

5. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

16. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

17. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

18. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

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Female Logic ??.........

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said to an attentive class.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.... He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help....

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank"...

The teacher paused to make sure the class is taking everything in....and then asks a question.

"Why do you think his wife ran to the bank?"...............

A girl quickly raised her hand, looked around....and said confidently.....

"To draw out all his savings"................

2 sent in by John and Dianna Powell

they beat you both times Bob !!

Adam and Eve

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made from there."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family

and your mother told you about hers."

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and another from by John and Dianna Powell

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the Barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his Cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little Wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old Cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does !

Now some "picture Fun" from Michelle Shemilt

From Georgina (France)

It Worked

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

 

Where old spanners go to die.

(Yes Bob this time you got in before John and Dianna)

Those Aussies are talented! Enjoy!

These are pretty awesome. Talk about talent without limits, scroll down past the initial picture to see the end results of this artisan.

JUST IN CASE YOU HAVE EVER WONDERED WHERE ALL THE OLD SPANNERS GO AT THE END OF THIER DAYS, THIS GUY KNOW WHERE.

No wonder I can never find the right size, he's got them all!! How cool is this guy???

He lives near Boort, Victoria, Australia and does it all by himself from a wheel chair. Amazing

This is Africa !

Sent in by Bob Johns and John and Dianna. As both arrived at the same time they share the honours!

See you next Month

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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