We have a enormous submitted this month (WOW). Tried to add a little of everything in.
If you have forwarded items that have not appeared then they will have been stored for use in the near future
- please do not take offence !
sent in by John and Dianne Powell
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
You're going to love the Dad's reply
“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?
A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help.
He: “My dear, what can I do to help you?”
She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot to cook.”
Now scrole down
Newspaper cutting forwarded by Dina in Canada
Now a few assorted chuckles from Bob Johns
When you're from the country, your perspective is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to Canterbury" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and Mumbling to himself
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a Message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's About your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull And £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Advertisement in a Shop: Guitar, for sale........ Cheap........ .......no strings attached.
Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight.... One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. The more The Success, the more The Relatives.
When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking.... I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses.... He Drinks Straight Out of The Bottle.
Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'
Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You Sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact us.
Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'
5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.
6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'
8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'
9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'
11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'
12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'
13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse sideways!'
Now a few imported from Florida by John Morris
The Oak Leaf:
A man sued his wife for assault. “She hit me with an oak leaf!” he exclaimed to the judge.
“Surely that didn’t hurt you”, the judge scoffed.
“It was from our dining room table!”
A minister was fond of pure horseradish and kept a bottle of it on the table. He offered some to one of his parishioners who unwittingly took a big spoonful. When he could speak again, he gasped
“A lot of ministers preach hellfire, but you’re the first one I’ve come across handing out samples!”
A student complained to his teacher, “I don’t think I deserve a zero mark on this essay”.
“I agree,” the teacher replied, “but it’s the lowest mark I can give”.
… A boy arrived home with two black eyes. “Fighting again?” his mother asked. “Didn’t I tell you that when you are angry you should count to 100 before you do anything?”
“I did” the boy protested. “But the other boy’s mother told him to count to 50”.
A Grand Canyon guide was asked if people ever get too close to the edge and fall over.
“Some do,” he said. “I call that natural selection”.
A man got the sack from his building work. His friend asked him what happened.
“You know what a foreman is?” the man asked, “… he’s the guy who stands around all day and watches the other men work?”
“What’s that got to do with it?” his friend replied.
“Well, he was jealous of me. Everyone thought I was the foreman”.
The Doctor’s Surgery
A man walks into the doctor’s office. A banana stuck in one ear, an asparagus stalk in the other and a carrot in one of his nostrils.
The man says “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly!”
What’s your Beef?...
My grandfather is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked him how he liked his vegetables prepared.
He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn into steak”.
Reach the Biscuits…
Sarah was never tall enough to reach the biscuit barrel in the kitchen so she always asked her brother, because he was older and taller than her.
When she was about 7 years old, she was dared to eat a dog biscuit. After she ate one, she went home and punched her brother. For now she realised that for her whole life her brother had been giving her dog biscuits instead of digestives.
God is Watching…
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of the Catholic junior school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note and posted it on the apple tray.
“Take only ONE. God is watching”.
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples”.
We live in a world of political correctness – so enjoy these adverts – the like you will never see again!! You might be glad about that, when you read them.....
Forwarded by Michelle Shimilt
Thanks to John and Dianne Powell for this Hot Potato
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam so when it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Gary Lineker.
"Gary Lineker!!!!", they cried. They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Gary Lineker because he's just ....... just.......he's..... Are you ready for this?
Are you sure? OK!
You asked for it:
Here it is!
just a COMMONTATER!"
also from John and Dianne Powell
Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I Vs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tescos.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. Tell this (especially) to all your retired friends..... it will be their laugh for the day.
Saying the right thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make You your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
All in all, one hell of a performance Dad."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table £239.99
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Two Aspirins £0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just shove off and leave me alone.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Caravan humour forwarded by Helen
That's All For Now!